As an introductory to this blog I feel that this topic will be the best to start with. My buddy and I got on the topic of religion and what we felt our beliefs were. This conversation is one that could be very controversial and one that I don’t feel should be shared now. As we were on the topic of religion, we had come to an agreement that we are both spiritual and that we both felt that there is a greater power, but this greater power wasn’t one in a book, it wasn’t one that you were taught about every Sunday. This greater power was a power within yourself.
What does it mean to be your own greater power? That just sounds crazy right? Well the human mind is a very intrigue tool, and that’s exactly what it is; a tool. We all know that people can push themselves past points they never thought they would reach, time and time again. The average thought that comes to mind when you think about that last statement would be physically… You automatically assume that a person will push themselves to the extreme PHYSICALLY, now why don’t we do the same mentally? Is it for the fact that in our mind we fear death so much that WE must control our time on earth, or is it the fact that life does not outweigh the thought of death anymore? I have a fear of death, a fear of which has controlled me so much that I must control my every move, my every decision, I over analyze every minute of my day to ensure I am safe and those around me are safe.
When my buddy started talking about mental capacity and what the brain is capable of it made me realize that I am controlling my own mental stability. I have felt like I had no control and that this fight would never end, the only way to end the fight was to end my life. I have felt this way for three years now, I have had plans to carry out my own death on multiple occasions, but every time there is something that stops me. Now I can be cliché with this statement and say it was the thought of my family and close friends that stopped me, but when you have a plan to take your life you feel they are better off without you.
When you plan to take your own life your family and close friends have already crossed your mind and it hurts even more but I still felt they were best without a “broken” father, husband, and friend. So, what stopped me every time? Was it simply the fear of death or was it the fact that I was allowing myself to become blind to living? As we were talking, I sat back, and his words were very distant to me as I thought. I have continued to fight for the fact that life outweighs death, my life is a life to live for, my life is where it is from my past and the decision I have made. I have made this life into what it is, for better or for worse. The happiness, joy, and memories I have no matter how short lived will always take precedence over my depression. I understand I have a condition and I’m okay with that, nobody is normal and I am done searching for “normal”, I am who I am, I am my greater power and life will always outweigh death.